You Have Changed Since your Brain Injury

Heather, you have really changed since your brain injury. I am not trained to deal with people with brain injuries. You are sooo *insert shame description* since your brain injury. What happened to you? You used to be so “insert idealist description* before your brain injury.

Statements like this used to drive me bonkers!! I didn’t understand what they meant. These statements are not from one person. They are from many people who were part of my life before the accident.  What do you mean I have changed? I am still me. What is happening????

I finally understand what they are saying. I finally see the shift that makes them uncomfortable, and I do not think they will like it. But as I have learned in my many years of finding myself, I am not responsible for other people’s opinions or reactions.

Before my brain injury I was depressed and anxious. I was people pleasing begging for acceptance and love. I did what I could to make sure no human I encountered was set off by my existence. I aimed to not be a burden on to my friends and family, as I so often felt I was. (It’s Not That I Didn’t Want to Live).

When I almost died, yes, I consider my TBI to be a near death experience, something happened. I lived. After I almost killed myself 8 days later, I then began to really live. I felt soooo ashamed of who I was and what I was doing leading up to my injury. I had people rallying together to support my healing, and this injury was absolutely my fault. I felt sick about my choices and how the world might see me.

After processing that guilt and shame, I moved forward. I was at my rock bottom. I could not and would not get lower than that point in my life. So, I tried my hardest to prove that I am worthy of living. I became super defensive, because I was so aware of how hard I was trying to be deemed intelligent. When someone would try to correct me on anything it made me feel they thought I was now mentally challenged from my brain injury, or that I was reckless or careless.

I felt I had to prove that I was not dumb. I have become very calculated in every move that I make. I felt I needed to have receipts to validate every choice I made to prove that I am not being reckless with my life choices.  This is why I worked so hard to finish my bachelor’s from St Thomas after I left island. This is why I pushed myself to get my master’s degree, completing in a year and half with a 4.0. See world!!! I am not dumb.

I started to read about the mind, patterns, triggers, anxiety, depression, ADHD, and many other mental health problems. I was not mentally okay right away post TBI. Less than a year after my TBI I started watching a show that had a kid with Asperger’s. Many of my post TBI lingering issues were like this kid. I had convinced myself that I had Aspergers. Thank God for therapy. My therapist helped me down from that thought and worked through those patterns.

Those first few years in Connecticut were not easy for my mental health. I was recovering. I went back to the professional world after a year and half, and my people pleasing was at an all time high. This led to massive anxiety, and sometimes panic attacks. I went on Zoloft, and that helped a bit. I was then also prescribed Lorazepam when I went to my psychiatrist to get my dog registered as my emotional support animal before we moved to Alaska.

When I took these prescriptions, I was able to have clearer thoughts, more specifically understand where these thoughts were coming from. I learned that although I was trying my best, I could still receive negativity from people. I did not respond well to this negativity, because I felt they were assuming that I was being an idiot when I didn’t do things how they thought it should be done. It translated into the repeating pattern from my childhood that I am a burden to others because they feel I am inconsiderate and reckless.

What I have come to understand 10 years later is that I have always been highly reactive to shame and judgment from other people.  Post brain injury I was learning to love myself and trying my best in life, why are these people so mean still?? Pre TBI my sympathetic nervous system would go into fight mode. Whoever shamed me would then defend their words/actions and tell me I deserved it. Due to fear of abandonment and rejection I would then enter fawn response. “Oh, you are right! I am such a loser. Please forgive me! Please don’t leave me! I am going to be better!”

After hitting rock bottom, I realized how far I have come in life. I was proud of my growth. I am proud of my growth. I am continually learning about myself and how to improve my overall wellbeing to be the best I can be for me and those who encounter me. Part of that was to no longer accept shame, disrespect, and emotional abuse. I am worth more than the pain those who claim they love me were giving me.

When we returned home to Wisconsin I started being around friends and family who hadn’t had me in their physical circles for 7 years. I felt I was different, but I felt many saw me the same way. I started to get icky feelings about how some of my extended family members and old friends treated me. They didn’t consider me and my feelings. They didn’t respect my personal space and time. They kept invalidating my feelings, saying things like, “You shouldn’t feel that way. You shouldn’t say that. It’s not that big of a deal. You are so sensitive. You make too much of a big deal out things. You are so negative. You are too intense.” Or they would question the things I say and do like I hadn’t given it any thought that they might judge me. “Why do you have to talk about the past. Why can’t you just let it go. Why can’t you just move on. Why do you care if they like you.” Shouldn’t. Shouldn't. Shouldn't. Why can’t you just. Why can’t you just. Why can’t you just.

I started to point out my discomforts. I have learned that people do not like to be told when they hurt someone, because it is never their intention to do so. Often, they get so defensive that they are called out on their emotional poison that they double down on their actions and spew all the reasons why who I am as a person is why I deserve the emotional abuse they give me.

I have found that who I am as a person can be triggering for the insecurities in other people. Pre brain injury if I was too loud, too passionate, too much energy and it made people uncomfortable I would suppress it to make them feel better about themselves. I can’t do that anymore. People pleasing is what lead to 18 years of suicidal ideation. If you feel that I am too much, it turns out you do not like who I am. If you do not like who I am, feel free to politely fade away. What you feel is too much from me is the exact reason someone else loves me.

But friends and family were used to me eventually fawning to their emotional poison. So, the pattern became that I was too much for someone, they became dysregulated and tried to shame me to change who I am as a person, I placed boundaries and no longer accepted the shame, they tell me I deserved the pain because I am an awful person, and I now am the one who fades away.

The moral of the story of how I have changed from my brain injury, I found self-worth. I found self-love. I now have the ability to place boundaries. I no longer accept emotional abuse as a love language. If you do not like me now, what you might not consciously know is that you never actually liked me. There is a high probability you have been shaming me since the beginning and my insecure self fawned on your judgement with hopes you wouldn’t leave me and one day that I would became enough for you.

Although I no longer accept shame-based corrections, I know I am imperfect. If I have hurt you because I have made you feel judged, misunderstood, or have made you feel less than in anyway. I am sorry. I am open to discussing what I have done that has made you feel hurt. I would then probably express my point of view of what led me to my action/ words, as I do not do anything with malice, and it was more than likely a misunderstanding on either/both sides. I would validate that although it was unintentional I absolutely understand your feelings are valid and that I see you and your pain.  I would apologize for the hurt that I have caused and express what I will do differently in the future to not hurt you again.

I will not apologize for being too *anything you think is excessive in my authentic personality. * I will not apologize for no longer accepting emotional abuse as a form of tough love. That is what has changed about me.