When it all Began

When I was in my late teens, I thought I wanted five sins. Ha-ha, my how times have changed fast forwarding a decade or two. Through the years, I knew I wanted to be mom, but I was scared. My parents met in the army very young. They married quickly. I entered the world just as fast. Their marriage ended before I was 2 years old. Growing up with this dynamic made me feel I could not bring a child into this world until I was emotionally ready.

I had my TBI when I had just turned 26. That event proved to me I was not emotionally mature enough to bring a child into this world. I was emotionally turbulent from 26 until 29. At 29 I started medical prescriptions to balance out my mental state, both antidepressants and a benzodiazepine. I was able to finally have mental clarity to process some of my emotional turmoil.  

I was at a job that helped bring my anxiety to the next level. I feel I was not alone with this heighted sense of nervousness. However, I would have stayed at the job because in addition to the stress I found it highly rewarding.  While at this job my husband expressed he was ready for a child, and that surprised me at the time. My response was you want a kid in Connecticut?? What are you nuts?! Haha, there is nothing wrong with that state or the lovely people in it. I just knew motherhood there was not for me. I needed more family, friends, and resources than I had in that location.

I asked that after 6.5 years away we finally move back to our home state of Wisconsin. He agreed, with one exception… That we do one last seasonal summer in Alaska, and I readily agreed. My husband and I were not a great point in our marriage at this time. The drive to Alaska from Connecticut had its difficulties. That summer continued to add to the stress of our marriage.

I think we both felt lonely and unable to communicate our thoughts to each other at that time. We were not connected emotionally and had different ideas of what we should do with our lives at that time. I was not sure if our marriage would be for the long haul during that summer. I was lost. Then one day it clicked.

If I had a baby, I would have a love that would last the ages. I would have a human who loves me unconditionally, and I them. I would have forever-best friend and companion. Without talking much to my husband, I scheduled my IUD to be removed. I started tracking my cycle and making it my mission to become pregnant.

We move back to Wisconsin a few weeks after I stopped pregnancy prevention. I thought I was pregnant the next two cycles, half terrified half excited. About 2 months after IUD removal I did conceive. I figured it out, and from a hunch, I had to buy a test. It was positive. I was elated and scared.

Being with child, my husband and I made the decision to plant roots in Wisconsin. He got a great Chef position. I found a temporary accounting job that was scheduled to end when I was due. It all seemed so perfect!

At my 20-week ultra sound, I learned things were not as smooth sailing storybook perfect as I had hoped and prayed. Although I was overjoyed to find I was expecting a son, we received some tough news too. I learned my tiny baby had gastroschisis. Put simply, his intestines were developing outside his body, from a little hole at his umbilical cord.

I was now high risk. I was informed I would be delivered 1-4 weeks early. I had to take trip to the big teaching hospital an hour away, twice a week. I was told he would have to have surgery. That surgery could be as early as the day he is born, or up to 6-8 months after he was born. We would be staying in the NICU at CHOW until the surgery was completed, until it was proved he was well enough to come home.

Wow. That was a lot to process. First thing I did was google everything. It was rare to have this defect. It was even rarer that I experienced it at 30 years old, as usually it comes with young moms. I learned that although alarming, it was all going to be okay. I learned it WAS NOT MY FAULT. Man, did I need that validation.

This was my first and most important lesson of motherhood, I NEED TO LET GO OF MY NEED TO CONTROL EVERYTHING IN MY WORLD.  Simply because it is just impossible, and trying to do so would lead to failure.

I was induced at 6am on a Thursday. I declined all pain meds for 24 hours. At 6am Friday I was dying. It was the worst pain in my life. Finally, I said to the nurse, let’s talk drugs. She gave me something; I am not sure what it was except it was not epidural. All that did was help my head from hurting, helping me realize how much pain the rest of my body was experiencing.

I was dead set on not having an epidural going into that experience. I broke, and said let’s do this. After they got that going, my labor quickly progressed. I told the nurse, I think it is time. She kind of laughed at me and said something like probably not, but we will see. She was shocked and said you are right let’s go. I pushed for 26 minutes after 31 hours of labor.

Logan was born at 2:08pm with about 10 CNAs, Nurses, Doctors, and Surgeons in the room. Let me tell you after you deliver with that kind of audience; I am no longer body conscious, as I literally laugh out loud 5 years later typing this.

I am going to save our NICU experience for another piece, as this could go on for a while. I have absolutely no regrets on anything to do with the start of my motherhood journey. I am beyond grateful for the tiny human we created, and how much joy and light he brings the world and to us.