What am I up to with this site, and how did I get here?

I stated on the home page a brief summary of what I am up to on this site. I have worked hard for 10 years, posttraumatic brain injury, to pull myself out of a lifetime of depression and anxiety. Am I fully healed? No. How do I know that? I still have bouts of anxiety disorder, but I am aware and constantly self-evaluating, learning and growing.

I have experienced trauma in various forms as early on as toddler years. Trauma is not just an event that happens to you. It is how you process your emotions from that event. That means what is traumatic to one person, may not be so to another, based on how one was taught to process their feelings and emotions. This is why I do not feel it necessary to write out my life year by year and call out what I felt was traumatic. I do not need validation that things were hard for me in my life. I have validated myself.

Because I was not taught how to process my emotions in a way that worked for me, I created repeating patterns. I did things repeatedly, because it was what I knew how to do.  Compounding emotional baggage had me depressed early on in life. Now I can trace the depression back to 12 years old. The anxiety I can feel going back as early as pre-kindergarten.

I could start breaking down my self-sabotage now, because of my mental health, but I will save that for another post. This is why I am here one this page after all.

Then one drunken New Year’s Eve (into New Year’s Day) in 2014, I fell out of a car. I am not 100% sure, but I have come to believe I was trying to exit a car before it came to a complete stop. I had a skull fraction from ear to ear, as well as small hematoma on my right frontal lobe of my brain.

Wow, what a little tiny bruise on your brain can do to you mental state! I vaguely remember the first 8 days of the hospital. They figured out I was without insurance, and they were quick to discharge me. I was prescribed more than handful of medication when I was discharged. I was not “allowed” to drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes anymore. Hindsight, I am grateful that was pushed upon me, because I know long haul it would have fucked with me in unrecoverable ways. However, at the time mentally unstable me was not okay with people telling me what I could and could not do.

My drive for nicotine spiraled me into what I would argue was psychosis. I had become suicidal. In my past I have had suicidal thoughts and dreams, if you will. I never did anything to put those thoughts into action… Until that night. My memory is still foggy from the event, but I know it was ugly and scary.

 I was admitted to a behavioral unit. Within less than 24 hours, they medicated me appropriately. I understood that I was not allowed to leave. Turns out, I could have, as I was not forced to be there. I am glad I did not know that then. I am grateful I was able to detox of alcohol and nicotine.

This is when my healing journey began. It was not a cut clear path. Although I have had love and support along the way, I feel as I have lead myself to the next steps on my healing journey. I guess what I mean is I do not have a mentor for this process. I have studied, read, listened, asked, and stumbled upon many things that have curved my path on this journey. I am here to share these lessons with you on this site.

On the way to work in 2016 I had a random thought, I am going to write a book one day. Immediately the title popped in my head, I made Lemonade. This site is the first step for me to reach that goal. I am going to put all the pieces together in one space, and then weave through them to make them into a summarized version.

I have no web design background. I am not a professional writer. I know there will be typos and grammatical mistakes as I go, bear with me.  I will be as authentic and transparent as I can, to best share my lemonade recipe.

Thanks for stopping by to read my journey! If you enter your email on my home page, you will be notified when I post. Otherwise follow my Instagram @howimadelemonade . I will also share that post to my personal Instagram @heatherleelee1987 .

With gratitude and lots of love - Heather