So, What’s Wrong with Me?

This is my second piece on this journey. I want to word vomit everything I want to say so badly. Like one jumbled giant book with no chapters or coherence, haha. Then I reigned it in, and remembered why I created this site. My goal for this piece is to point out some of my characteristics and diagnosed/undiagnosed mental health issues/differences.

As I said at the end of my first piece. I am not a professional writer. I do not have anyone helping me with this project. There will be typos and technical issues. Feel free to point out anything to me (thank you siblings for your help on the last one), and I will edit.

I have an unpopular opinion. I believe that a vast majority of mental health differences could be healed without a lifetime of prescription drugs. I am not necessarily anti mental health drugs. I have used them, and I am currently on Lexapro for my anxiety. I feel these drugs are tools to help clear the mind from the clouds and storms, which then you can piece together the root of those feelings. When you find the why you can work on the how, as in how I can I learn and grow from this.

I have been described as many negative things in my lifetime. Hindsight, I feel most of my unsavory characteristics come from victim mentality. I can be impatient. I can be short with my words. I can be defensive. I used to very into gossiping. I absolutely see how I could rub people wrong with my actions and behaviors pre brain injury. I will write a piece about my victimhood. For now I will say, I am aware who I was, why I was that way, and I am working on overcoming these issues.

I used to think I was an empath. Because I can feel people’s energy. Some of my closest people were confused when I said I was an empath, as they found me not compassion to the energy other people hold. At first I was like, WTF are you talking about?? Then I kept exploring this thought. They are right; I do not feel other people’s emotions as my own.  I discovered I am actually hyper vigilant. As a defense and coping mechanism as a child and young adult, I learned to be very aware of the most subtle shifts in a person’s mood. I did this so I could be prepared for what could be coming next, and make choices to avoid any negative impact on myself.

I am pretty damn good at it, but to a fault. Due to my victim mentality, I have made every mood shift that has ever happened my fault in my brain.  My friend was short with me; they hate me. My husband is in a mood; what did I do now? My boss did not smile when they said good morning; I am going to be fired. When negative moods showed themselves, I told myself a story for the reason they shifted. The story usually ended with me defending why they should not be mad at me. Often times they were not mad at me, they do not understand why I think that, and then they would ended up mad at me due to my persistence with the issue. This was a toxic cycle.  I have found ways to use this energy power for the light now, and will write about it another day.

I am very analytical. I find holes in the story. This makes me not believe something to true, until all holes are filled. People do not like this, as many people hold on to their beliefs as absolute truths. When someone is strong in their convictions, and I share the holes in the ideology, it usually does not go well. I am working on learning how to express my thoughts in a more compassion way, then my go to directness.

Speaking of being analytical and direct, people believe me to be a know it all. I absolutely understand why that is the image people hold for me; however, I am not a know it all. I know there is a vast amount of knowledge in this world, and I know a tiny portion. I am actually passionate and love to learn. I study everything that excites me. When I learn new things, I get amped up to share with people. Sometimes my findings point out one of the holes in another’s ideology, and that makes them uncomfortable and they project that on to me. If you think I am wrong, tell me why! I will either explain how I got to my answer, or see the hole in my story that I did not know was there yet. If there is a new hole in my concept, I will dig and learn more to fill it.

My present mind did not fully understand how depressed and anxious I was all of my life. Anxiety came first at a very young age. Depression came around 12.  Due to lack of awareness all around me, I did not have a healthy coping mechanism or support. What I found worked best for me around 17/18 years old was parties. Alcohol made me feel like I could do or say whatever I want, and that was freeing. Drunk people love other wild drunk people. Being seen and validated by other partygoers was addicting! Parties turned into bars. Bar life, lead me to my brain injury. I do still drink, but I analyze every alcohol choice I make. I will write a piece on that soon.

Several times medical professionals have suggested I am bipolar. The first one was while I was at the behavioral unit in St Thomas. It pissed me off. I was so ANGRY that should could possibly suggest that?!? 10 years later, I get it. I see why that can be the assumption made about me. I still strongly believe I am not bipolar. I was not taught how to feel my feelings. Every emotion was split into two categories, happy and angry. I was not allowed to express angry, because it made people uncomfortable. I am “too sensitive.” I take things “too seriously.” Why do I have to “make everything about me?” So the anger feelings were not allowed to come out when it was small, I smooshed them deep down, and eventually I exploded. I have come very far in learning my feelings, understanding them, validating them, and trying to express them peacefully.

I am high energy. It has been suggested by medical professionals and family members that I am ADD or ADHD. I have siblings on both sides of my families diagnosed and treated for this matter. I get it. I see why it is assumed that is what I have. I am certain that is not one of my things. I believe I have C-PTSD and unresolved trauma. It has created a life of feeling unsafe. I am inconstant fight or flight mode. I cannot turn off. I must make things better, or something bad will happen. I am constantly trying to protect myself from danger. My actions make it look like I cannot focus and that I am squirrel, which is in fact my spirit animal. However, I believe with therapy, research and practice I will find safety one day. I have absolutely come a long way with this fear-based issue.

I have addressed the shadow parts of myself. I wanted to get these out ASAP for a few reasons. First, if any of this makes you scared of me, feel free to stop following me in life. I am not everyone’s cup of tea, I get that, and I am at peace with boundaries. Second, these issues are what made me who I was and who I am now. They are pivotal in the recipe for my lemonade. How can I make lemonade if you do not know why I kept getting lemons thrown at me? I now recognize that my behaviors, beliefs and actions are why the lemons kept being thrown at me. I hope that when I finish the recipe, fewer lemons come my way.  Lastly, I hope to find some compassion from those who have miss judged me based on my surface self.

Thank you for making to the end of this piece. I am excited to see what my solar plexus demands to do next! Subscribe if you want an email when the next one is crafted. With gratitude and lots of love – Heather