Trigger Warning

From the day this project came to my brain in 2016 until today, every action I have taken has been highly driven by my gut feelings. Also known as following my intuition. I will have these thoughts floating around, I don’t quite understand what they are, or what they mean. They are almost like puzzle pieces. One day I will notice I have all the pieces and the next step is clear as day. Once I understand my next step, it doesn’t take me long to act.

After setting up my site and writing an introduction piece for each topic I got blocked. I could not move forward, and at the time I could not express why I was stuck. For a fleeting moment I wanted to push through the yuck and write and push it out there to the universe. However, I remembered that my best results are when they are lead with heart and not the brain.

I have an outline of the topics I want to make sure I address. That is not the problem. The hindrance is the voice behind the topics. I want to make sure what I put out there fully aligns with who I am, and the message I am trying to give.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way, I am back! There was a series of events that has happened since September until now. Different opportunities and lessons have been presented to me. Most of these items came out of nowhere, making me feel blindsided. Some were wonderful and some were painful, but they all contained the tools and resources to help me be where I am at this exact minute. I love where I am at this present moment.

I realized my message was not being heard the way intended. I recognized how I need to go deeper into my pain and past, to fully heal and identify how it shapes my every move today.  I now fully understand the risk I am taking. I am about to rip open my heart and soul to whomever wants to absorb it on the world wide web. That statement alone is equally exciting and terrifying.

Here are some things I need to address right of the bat, so I may more free flow with my words from here on out:

1.)    I feel there are many who believe that the work I am doing, and have done, was/is because of my TBI 9.9 years ago. While yes that was traumatic and growth inducing/inspiring, my TBI is not the CAUSE of my mental health struggles. My TBI was a RESULT of my mental health struggles. The work I have done and continue to do is going back deep in my mind and soul from the beginning on.

2.)    I am not who I am and act how I do because of my brain injury. The only clinically thing “wrong” with me from that accident is my inability to fully smell things. Otherwise, I am who I am. I do as I do. Not because of my past, not because of my brain injury.

3.)    Part of my writing block was the safety of others. I do not wish to hurt anyone with this journey. I do not wish to speak falsely about anyone. However, the whos, hows and whys, are what have created the patterns which have consequently fortified my mental health issues. Many of my favorite authors of self-help, mental health, and mindset books share their history.  I now feel they do so for a few reasons. Sharing their angst makes them more relatable. It is easy for someone to say, “Oh yeah, you healed good for you! You never walked a day in my shoes.” The other part is it helps people validate the struggles they may also face but feel ashamed from acknowledging. I have accepted that sharing my story is necessary to tie out my lemonade recipe.

4.)    With that being said, I am going to try my damnedest to not name names. I have figured out my plan. I have decided to use a label for different groups of people. Like instead of my mom, my grandfather, my aunt, I will say a “family member.” Other labels to be used will be things like old friend, classmate, bestie, and colleague.  I will use they/them pronouns as well.

5.)    What I am going to share about who I am, what I have done, what has been done to me, and what I plan to do will more than likely trigger you at some point. My apologies! That is not my intention, but I am not responsible for what you think of me nor your reactions. I must speak my truth, or this whole thing is for naught.

6.)    You may feel that my writing is about you, and it very well could be. I am more than willing to have an open dialogue with you about your feelings, hear your side, and find a peaceful common ground. I WILL NOT be yelled at. I WILL NOT be accused of anything. I WIILL NOT allow you to attack my character because you are feeling uncomfortable with my perspective of our shared encounter. I WILL NOT take on your hurt because you are not ready to process and heal at this time.

7.)    I am imperfect. I make mistakes. I am sure there will be many typos and errors. I might come across as a know it all at times. I promise you I understand I only know a smidgen of what there is to learn in this world. I have a desire to perpetually learn. I have a desire to share my knowledge to hopefully lighten the worlds of those I touch along the way.

8.)    If you decide my energy does not align with yours, I understand. You do you boo. I wish you the best and hope many great things open for you soon. I hope you leave with peace, and not sending me bad juju, however, I accept I cannot control what you do with your thoughts.

I am excited to get into this, as ugly as it may be at times. I am ready to open my heart. If I help just one person find more self-love on this journey, that is everything I need for the work I am embarking on to be deemed successful. I do everything with much thought and positive intention. Thank you for opening your minds to follow my journey.

 Lots of Love,

 Heather