Gotta Have Faith

I have saved the hardest intro piece for last, Spirituality. I have found myself in a paradox in my faith practices. I share minimally about both sides of the coin because I know the firm believers on either side of the coin find my other side cringe or sinful. It took me years to be able to find a term to describe my faith, and I leaned there are others out there that hold the same or very similar beliefs. Okay here I go, I am breathing and trying not to vomit, ha-ha.

I grew up in 2 houses that were regular attenders to Christian churches. One house was Lutheran and the other Catholic. The Lutheran church is what gave me my core beliefs as a child. It was where I was confirmed, after many years of weekly classes that memorized a whole lot of things. I believe I was 14(?) when I was confirmed.

I cannot recall the exact timeline of when I stop showing up. I had been asked to join several church services after I strayed away. I found a lot of the things being said back then very unsettling to me.  Things just did not sit right with me.

I moved away from Wisconsin in 2010. I cannot recall a service I attended until 2016. I am not sure what happened, but 2ish years post TBI I found myself being pulled back to a church. I remember joining one of the Christmas services alone. It was a forceful nudge. I was ready to join this Lutheran church alone in Connecticut. But then my husband and I made plans to leave Connecticut the following spring, and that was that.

In spring of 2017 I had my first Reiki Certification. In Alaska summer of 2017 I started to really get into astrology and how the movement of the planets affect our energy. I also pursued and obtained my 2nd Reiki Certification. It was a wonderful summer full of enlightenment and growth, but I was still anxious and depressed when we left and moved back to Wisconsin for the first time in 7 years.

When we got back, I was dead set on generating income by sharing my Reiki services. I made business cards and flyers. I started practicing with friends and family for free. But I held back from sharing with my new community. My biggest fear was judgement and abandonment. I had assumptions my Christian connections would assume I am going to hell and will take people with me. Maybe that is far from the truth of reality, but it was what was painstaking and holding me back.

Then I said if I become a Master, I will be more worthy of sharing my services. In March 2018 I became a Level 3 Certified Reiki Master. I was so proud and excited! Us students took turns practicing on one student at time. We were asked what thought we wanted to focus on to let go or hold on to at that time. I said I wanted to be released from any mom guilt. I was about 4.5 months pregnant when I was at this class.

2 weeks later I was given the news that my son was diagnosed with gastroschisis, and we were now high risk. For more on this story circle back to my parenting tab. I am certain I would have assumed massive guilt with that diagnosis if it wasn’t for my energy cleansing. Guilt and shame have always had a strong hold on my mind.  

All my goals, besides moving into my new home, went to the side for motherhood. Honestly my Reiki work has been very slim the past 5 years, but it is on my mind to conjure up my materials and get practicing again, at least for myself and family.

When I was pregnant and I knew my son was being delivered in a not perfect situation, I felt the church call me again. It was my understanding at that time that if you do not baptize your baby before they die they will go to hell. That thought crippled me, not knowing what the outcome would be for Logan with his condition. I talked to my family on all sides. I learned there are other types of churches outside Catholicism and Lutheranism. Some other Christian faiths do not believe the same things about baptisms as I had once thought. That was comforting to me. A few weeks after Logan came home, I joined a reformed church.

I am so grateful that I made that decision. It wasn’t easy, and we didn’t necessarily join it as a family. Although my husband grew up in that church, I do not believe he is technically a member.  That caused, and sometimes still causes, some angst in my (our) attendance. But I have been saying for years that I joined the church for myself, and to bring Logan into the Word of the Lord.

Logan has been going to a Lutheran school for 3 and 4k and will be attending kindergarten this year. Because of his daily bible school, I no longer urge him to join me on Sundays. I want him to come when he wants to learn. I have come to a point where I do not want to force anyone to share my beliefs, nor feel ashamed if they do not do so.

Around that time, I was suggested to get a bible app that had devotional series. It was so inspiring. It opened my heart and mind to Christianity, after many years of finding some aspects not jiving with me. I am grateful I took that path. I am not sure how long I was on that journey, but then I trailed from it. I felt content with the amount of the Word I had taken in at that time.

2020 was one of the hardest years of my life. I discovered an app that was game changing for me. It does your full natal astrological chart for free. With that they give you daily horoscopes tailored to you based on where the stars and planets were aligned at your exact moment of birth. That alone was riveting. I remember drilling down into every topic and being flabbergasted at the pinpoint accuracy of my current season of life!

Skeptics might say that of course it seemed to match my life, as it is basic, and your perception is what validates the generic words. I understand how people can hold that viewpoint. I also feel that most people who feel this way only know their sun sign. When you only know 1/12 of your natal chart, I can see how it doesn’t seem to perfectly fit your thought processes for sure.

What was even more game changing about this app is you could invite your friends! You then saw each other’s full natal charts, each other’s full horoscope, AND it gives you your compatibility AND words of advice of how to handle each other that day. If I had emojis in this, I would use the one where it looks like the brain is exploding.

This concept was life changing. I began to understand my family better. I began to understand my friends better. I could work easier with the young ones at Starbucks. The best part is you don’t have to have your friends get the app, if you know their birthday, location, and time of birth you can make a chart for them with the full package for only $3. I made one for my husband and let me tell you to this day I say it is a big piece of the puzzle for how are/were able to strengthen our marriage after one of our toughest years together.  

Okay so those two sides alone, active in a Christian community and actively studying astrology, is a paradox. I am tired of being ashamed of my beliefs for fear that I might make others uncomfortable. My other beliefs and practices are even more shameful in the eyes of some Christians, so this section is scary to me.

I have spent a vast majority of my life people pleasing. I have always molded myself to fit what the person in front of me is expecting out my role for them. That awareness right there is a big anchor in my depression and anxiety. I AM DONE PLAYING SMALL. I AM DONE HIDING MYSELF FOR THE COMFORT OF OTHERS!!!

Okay, I took a breath. I am calm. But here is the main point. I am openly an Omnist. I believe that there is truth within all religions. I believe that love wins in all faiths. It is the judgements and playing God that I cannot handle. Anything that pushes fear, hate, shame, guilt, or judgement is not from God, in my opinion.

So, here I am about to lay it all out there. All the things I do and practice on a regular basis. Somethings I share on my Social Media pages, others only close friends and family. Somethings I keep all to myself. Somethings I share little to nothing with my son and husband. When anyone wants to know what I am up to they can come on here and read it. From there they may form their opinions about me and do with that thought what they like.

I do need to address this before I wrap this piece up. I learned from the Law of Attraction that prayers/manifestation/ universe do not take negatives into account. Meaning if you say I hope it does not rain, they/him/her/whatever hear “I hope it rains.” Which is why I am adamant about flipping the script in any situation I find myself feeling off about. If you feel that I am going to hell, I ask you to flip the script in your prayer. Rather than praying “I pray Heather does not go to hell” or whatever like that, flip the script to something like, “I pray that Heather finds the true love and forgiveness granted to all God’s children who believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins.” Because I do believe in the story of Jesus. I just also believe that God created multiple paths to find him, as we are snowflakes and cannot be duplicated, replicated, or fixed.