You Once Prayed to be Where You are Today

I have spent a lot of time and energy digging into some of my hidden dark rooted issues the past few weeks. It was necessary. I had to feel what I was numbed to before the awareness. I have learned on my journey that life does not stop with the lemons. They will continue to come at you, at random times, with random purposes, and the volume of lemons is uncontrollable. Which is why it was imperative for me to make a recipe to handle all these obstacles.

This year has given me many karmic lessons. I was presented with lemons of the past, and it was up to me to decide how I would handle these lessons. Was I perfect in these situations? No. Did these moments hurt me deeply? Yes. However, my bounce back time was quicker than in the past. My coping was less dark and twisty than in the past. Finding clarity, gratitude, and growth was more accessible than ever before, because I have done the work to un-process old damaging patterns.

I am getting my mojo back after my most recent growth opportunity. A big part of this was due to self-validation and gratitude. I have taken a deep hard look at my present moment and analyzed what I see right now. Are there areas in which I can continue to improve and grow, absofuckinlutely! However, damn girl! The growth I have seen in the past 5 years is insane! In all the best ways.

After sharing some of my dark and twisty side that past few posts, I need a confidence boost. I remembered that life continues to give you lessons, and that is never going to change. I can be so focused on overcoming my present challenges that I do not take a moment to celebrate the success on the other side of the situation. This is when I remembered this saying, “You once prayed to be where you are today.” I processed this for a moment and saw how absolutely true this is for me! I am going to share some of my successes, and when I started praying and working at these goals.

The biggest in my face appreciation is learning to love and trust myself. This was a BIG obstacle to overcome. After a lifetime of people pleasing to keep the peace, it was terrifying to set my first boundary. As I said before, boundaries are not easy. I am still not good at communicating with them to some of my old friends and family members. However, I am at peace with people being mad at me for not allowing them to make me feel like a shitty person to make themselves feel better. THIS IS A HUGE WEIGHT OF MY SHOULDERS! Although, this new practice brings me fresh lemons, the lemonade gets better and better every time. I have been praying MY WHOLE LIFE for acceptance. I realize only I must accept myself, and wow is that amazing.

I dated my husband for 6 years before we got married. I lived with him for 5 years before we got married. It was shortly after we tied the knot that I began to notice how he takes his socks off and leaves them on the living room floor. It was then I realized I would have to either accept that habit or begin being a nag. I will go further into this all at some point, but I can say we have come a long way. It was not easy for Aaron and me to learn how to communicate with each other. Although we still have growth to go, I am blessed at how far we have come. I have prayed for this kind of communication for over a decade. For most of those years I didn’t know what this communication could be like or if it was even possible. But I kept faith. I kept trying. I asked for help. We accepted help. It was all SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE. But all that effort is worth the reward.

I knew I wanted to be a mom someday. However, I knew I didn’t want to fuck up my kid because of my fucked-up patterns. Aaron was actually ready to try before I was back then. I remember the moment I realized I was ready, August of 2017. The realization was that if I had a child, no matter what happened with any other person in my life, I would have a forever best friend. Now do not go judging me too hard with that thought. 1.) I am very broken and receiving love is very hard for me, but it is something I have come along way with the past 6 years. 2.) I don’t mean I am a total enabling mom to make my kid like me. I thought of it more as a companion to explore the world and learn new cool things.  Becoming a mom has been the most challenging and rewarding experience of my life! I prayed that I would not fuck my kid up too bad. I now know that if I am doing my best and go about everything with love, he will be okay. I am also breaking generational patterns that I know are giving him a better mental health path than myself. I am going to be going into my parenting styles soon. I love my son. I am beyond excited to be by his side as he grows into his authentic self.

Before my brain injury, I created a vision of what would be a perfect life when we moved to the USVI. My life on the island looked nothing like that vision I had in Alaska in 2011, hahaha. But what is wild and makes me feel aligned is that I am living that life right now! I wanted a job that pays me a decent wage, that used my brain and didn’t leave me bored, while also giving me time and freedom to enjoy my life. My current public accounting role is exactly that, and I am grateful. I work hard during the cold months of the year, and significantly less the rest of the year. My annual hours are still full time, even though I work about 26-30 hours each week outside of tax season.

That free time outside of tax season has been filled with the rest of my passions I dreamed of pursuing. I have a home that I love and do work to make it well always taken care for my family. I have a garden that keeps on expanding each year, which brings me joy and uses my mind. I have volunteered nearly 4 work weeks’ worth of time, not including my service on boards, this year with different organizations.  8 years ago, I had a goal to one day serve on a board of directors. I am currently on 2 different boards.

I run a virtual wellness gym. I have turned my health around 180 degrees since my brain injury. I am the strongest I have ever been in my life. I quit smoking 6 years ago, and that was something I never thought possible from 19-30 years old.  This year I also felt called to get myself back into reading fiction books and memoirs. Damn am I glad I listened to that gut request! My biggest shocking hobby startup for me this year is the purchasing and playing Harry Potter Legacy. I have not allowed myself the time to binge play games in well over a decade, and it feels pretty dang good.

Is my life exactly where I want it to be right now? No. Is every relationship in my life perfect and flowing with unconditional love? No. Does that mean my life sucks right now? Absolutely not! Overcoming adversity has become kind of my thing, and I am learning to embrace the growth. The past 10 years I have found myself, and I love me. I have strengthened my marriage and my relationship with my son. I have manifested my career path, which brings me joy. I serve my community, and that also brings me joy. I also have healthy hobbies that I do guilt free. I need way more time to express how guilt free hobbies are a huge growth for me. I once prayed to be where I am right now, and I am grateful that I did.