The Journey Has Felt Lonely – However Many Professionals Have Helped Me

It has been a repeating thought of mine that I have been all alone on my road to recovery, from a lifetime of anxiety and depression. However, that thought is not entirely true. What I mean by feeling alone is more in reference to family connections. Maybe my memory is foggy, but my perspective is from the moment I landed in Connecticut until today, I have found my next steps to healing on my own.

Recently when I was getting my super badass annual birthday massage, I had a new thought. I want to point out all the different types of professionals who have helped me work on healing whatever aliment I was there to see them for at that time.  I decided to do a summary of each industry and some stats on the those who have helped me since 2014.

I will not be speaking on general practitioners, APRNS, and other basic medical professionals. This is for 2 main reasons. The first is many of these professionals are not aligned with my mental health issues. The other reason is those that are (by way of Anti-Depressants) are not actually HELPFUL for my mental health. I will discuss my history with prescription drugs soon.

I will start with Psychiatrists. I would not say that this profession has been necessarily helpful either, as they are inline with the medical professionals above, in my opinion. Healing mental health is more than being given a prescription and sent on your merry way.  My first one (that I can recall) was in St. Thomas when I was a patient of the Behavioral Health Unit. I was admitted to that facility 8 days after my TBI, as I was very close to actualizing self-harm. This was due to poor prescription combos, and misguidance on dosage. Due to the prescriptions that lead me to the facility, I would assume there was a psychiatrist before the one I am about to speak on. But I am not sure currently. I do not recall much from the first month after my TBI, but I do remember one thing.  I DID NOT LIKE MY PSYCHIATRIST! She was cold. She was firm. She did not make me feel seen, heard, and definitely did not validate my thoughts. Shortly after we moved our life to Connecticut, I was referred to another psychiatrist. He was better for me. He did make me feel seen, heard, validated my thoughts, and made me feel like I was worthy of help. But again, he was a drug subscriber, not a mental health healer. However, he is the reason I was able to register my late dog, Theodore Maxwell, as my emotional support animal. For that I will always be grateful for him.

I have also seen a handful of therapists in the past 10 years. The first one I decided to go to because I had Medicaid, and it was fully covered. That experience was pivotal for me. It was the first time in a long time, if perhaps ever, I felt validated. Yes, Heather that did hurt. Yes, Heather it was unkind, disrespectful, unthoughtful, ect. After a lifetime of everyone telling me I am too sensitive and to get over myself, this feeling was HUGE for me! After about a year I got married and went on Aaron’s insurance. Having to now pay for therapy, I had put it on hold.

I touched on my son’s beginning of life story in another post. I stuffed down all of the feels of that trauma when I was pregnant and into the first 3 months postpartum. October 2018 I finally had my breakdown. It was rough. I knew then I was not mentally well and needed help again. I googled therapy and chiropractic care and made the appointments. This therapist was lovely. She helped validate my feelings, as well as gave me confidence to start establishing boundaries. I learned it’s okay to not let people be hurtful to me. However, as mentioned here, my expression of feelings needs more work with the implementation of boundaries. I went to her because my insurance was 100% covering the service at that time, as this was the year my son was born. I continued to see her for a few months into 2019 when I had to pay the copayment. But the expense, time, and scheduling proved it not worth the fight at the time.

Starbucks started offering free therapy for their partners in 2020. Although this seems like a grand gesture, I am sure many partners would argue we need therapy from working at Starbucks, haha. Anyhooiser, I knew I was still very anxious, and it was free. I am so grateful I acted when I did. My first and only necessary in-person meeting was almost cancelled due to the starting of the shutdowns. We were able to continue virtually after that meeting. THANK FUCKING GOD I SIGNED UP AND STUCK WITH HER! 2020 was a hell of a year for me, and every freaking person on the planet. I needed all the help I could get for validation of my safety. I needed all the help I could get to process my emotions. I needed all the help I could get to establish boundaries with family members and old friends.  I stayed with her until I left Starbucks in the fall of 2021.

I had two therapists at the same time in 2020. Besides seeing the one I mentioned above, my husband and I made the decision to see a therapist for our relationship. This is another moment that I know my creator made happen for me. My husband and I are pretty opposite for many things. I grew up in 2 different homes, and his upbringing was different than either of mine. We are both first born type A personalities. Turns out we needed a 3rd party nonbiased translator of our feelings. Being able to start to understand each other in a different way was game changing. Did it completely solve all our problems? Not a chance. However, it gave us the tools and insights to continue to diligently continue to learn and grow. I can say authentically that my marriage is the most stable and comforting that it has ever been.

I am not sure when Aaron and I stopped going to the therapist I just mentioned. I would say sometime mid-2021. I am sure I could get that answer if I did some sleuthing in my QuickBooks, haha. Last December I felt my anxiety gripping me again. I was not established with any therapist at that time. I decided to go back to the one who helped my marriage. I saw her again because she knew my husband. In the past when my therapist only heard my side the validation for me at times ramped up my feelings towards my husband. I did not want that this time. I wanted to continue my already progressing work with my husband and start working through other issues that were stirring up in me at that time. I had mentioned that I have been slowly but surely digging up the roots of my problems, and the waves of memories and insights ebb and flow.  Due to scheduling conflicts on my end and her end, as well as feeling good where I am at in life, I stopped seeing her.

I had an interest in another therapist with the focus on finally accepting the new awareness of my past problems. However, who you pick is very important I have learned. I believe my intuition is saying not this therapist, at least at this time. Also, while I typed this out, I had a new realization about what I should be looking for in a therapist. I have never had a male help me with talk therapy. I think that energy can help me learn, grow, heal, and move with a different perspective. My new pursuit begins now.

Physical health is also associated with mental health. I have learned so much the past 20 years of how much the mind affects the body. I find it fascinating and insane at the same time. However insane it is, I get shown the truth every single time I do a physical thing for my mental health. My first physical health provider was a chiropractor. I now know I have been living with chronic pain for most of my life. The thing with chronic pain is that you can only acknowledge so many aliments at one time, and over time you ignore your discomforts to prioritize other pains and responsibilities. 2 years after my TBI (which was the result of falling out of a car and hitting every main joint on the right-side body before finally fracturing my skull), I finally got adjusted. To add insult to injury, I had joined a CrossFit gym and strengthened my muscles all around my misalignments. Seeing this chiropractor is the beginning of my pursuit of self-healing the trauma stored in my body. I saw this doctor from 2015-2017.

I did not establish chiropractic care as we moved from Connecticut to Alaska. Nor when we returned to Wisconsin in 2017. I continued my self-care in Alaska and was feeling good. When I became pregnant, I should have been adjusted, instead I got fat. Haha, that doesn’t sound very nice. However, I fully acknowledge I ate those feelings I mentioned earlier. I was already overweight when I became pregnant, and then added 45 more pounds. Earlier in this post I mentioned my breakdown of 2018. I knew mental health meant physical health too, and I made an appointment. I saw 2 different chiropractors at that location.

My insurance changed in 2019, and it was more financially advantageous for me to go to a different practice. I found that my original chiropractor from my early 20s took my insurance. I have been seeing him ever since. He has helped me understand how everything is connected and has been a valuable tool in my work to release a lifetime of stored tensions.

In addition to these doctors and therapists there are a few other modalities that have helped me along the way.  I have been getting massages most of my adult life. However, I am now intentional with where I go and what service I get currently. Most recently I had a 3-hour cupping and Ashiatsu Massage. That was game changing and unlocked so much stuck tension! I believe since my TBI I have seen 5 different massage therapists across 3 different states.

Acupuncture has been another big tension reliever! My first encounter with this concept was in Connecticut at my chiropractic office. He was very textbook about how he went about this practice. It was all I knew at the time, and I did have benefits. My next specialist was in Alaska. She was much more intuitive about how she did her practice. My experience with her unlocked mental blocks. I have a specialist in Wisconsin now too. She is also intuitive, and her experience always has me feeling calmer than when I came in.

Reiki is an energy healing modality, which has become a passion of mine. My first time being offered this service was in Connecticut at my job with the hospice. There were 2 fabulous ladies who worked together with their energy. They are the two that really opened my eyes to the spiritual/energy aspect of our lives. This was game changing. I decided to get certified in the practice a Reiki, and they were my level one Masters/Teachers. I will have a sperate piece of my work to become a Master myself at another time. While in pursuit of that achievement I worked with a wonderful woman in Alaska one on one. She was a shaman and was very enlightening for me. When we returned to Wisconsin, I was attuned with two other masters to complete my certificates. I also had my last service done by a nice soul the day before I was induced.

As I mentioned, at times I feel I have been on this healing journey alone. Feeling that I have been given no guidance on what the next steps are. That feeling is valid, but also not necessarily true. As I have mapped out there are many professionals who have shaped me into who I am today.  2/3 psychiatrists, 4 therapists, 4 chiropractors, 5 massage therapists, 3 acupuncturists, and 6 Reiki Masters have helped me heal my mind body and spirit the past decade. Each one helping me unlock new insights to who I am, where I have been, and where I am going. And I am so grateful for each encounter and the immense support they have given me on this journey.